mark’s the kind of person i’ve always wanted to be. wanted in my life.
i think part of the reason i’m so attached to him is because he reminds me so much of fan. like he teases me and makes fun of me and gives me shit. i’ve always kind of grown up with the notion that the more people fucked with you, the more they cared about you. fan’s growing up and leaving, and we’ve never really been close, not really.
but more importantly i think mark embodies what i kind of just want to be. he’s charming, sociable, intelligent… he’s shown me that you can be successful in life without being constantly burying yourself in work. but he’s also shown me the importance of working hard. it’s about balance. there are days where you’re gonna have to go to the confocal from 9pm to 11pm. but you need to know how to focus on your work when you’re working so you can go out later tomorrow.
i’ve learned a lot of lab techniques this summer, but i think mark’s taught me so much more than just how to cryosection and immunostain and culture cells. he’s taught me to balance time, to focus on what’s important, and to still live life. take things less seriously. roll the dice.
thanks, mark. i’m sure you’ll find some other undergrad to rapidly replace me, but i’ll miss you.
weirdest fucking night i’ve experienced all summer. first, three guys come up to us in time out and ask if we want to be in their rap video. their instructions: “just stand there and look pretty.” the result: two asians and one half asian, standing there, looking awk and trying not to laugh. then, one our way out, some old guy starts following us. like within a yard. and then when we stop to sit in a little garden, he stops and hangs out next to the wall. and then walks down to the corner and stands there and waits.
what. the. fuck.
that moment of excitement when you realize you’ve friends with benefitted someone who seems really sexually compatible with you
i can’t wait for rough dirty hot sex
it’s kind of weird to look back on how much i liked him back then. it brings back all these feelings that i used to have and i know i still have, somewhere, deep down. but the truth is, he can’t give me what i want right now. but it’s just like ks says: he makes me happy, but he makes me upset too, and unfortunately, it doesn’t balance out the right way.
i like how happy he makes me. i like that we’re experimentative and adventurous in bed. i like that he makes me more open minded. i like that i can tell him anything at any given moment. i like that he challenges me to study harder. i like that we can talk about any sort of deep things. i like that we can spend a week together, just us, and not get sick of each other. i like that i can yell at him and bitch and he knows when to take it and just apologize. i didn’t need to hide myself.
i hate that he put me through— and i let him— all that dumb drama with s. i hate that he never solved it like he should’ve: maturely and once and for all. i hate that he thought he was really doing the right thing. i’m not really a fan of how immature he is sometimes; what the fuck was that email he sent me about me being the only picture he had left? he can manipulate like a girl. i don’t like that he doesn’t understand the concept of moderation and always goes to extremes. he doesn’t study as hard as he should, and it kind of rubs off on me. he gives up easily and isn’t as motivated as he should be… it’s a little unattractive that he doesn’t have a plan for the summer other than to study chem, which i’m not even sure he’s done. i’m not a fan of how insecure he is. he’s generally kind of physically unattractive. he isn’t that social and doesn’t like to go out. he can’t handle being friends with ex’s. he burns bridges. i don’t love him.
i think maybe the truth is he’s a best friend. i should’ve kept him as a best friend. i like spending time with him. i like being around him. but he doesn’t have what i want in a boyfriend. he doesn’t make me feel alive. he doesn’t love me. i don’t love him. i want to go out and date and explore and learn what i like in a guy and what i don’t like and how to handle the dating scene. i need to learn the things i never learned in high school. and i want a college experience. i want to go to formals and get drunk and throw up outside of the clock tower again. i don’t necessarily have to stay single to get what i want. i just need to find a boyfriend who’ll go out and party with me and who’ll play beer pong on my team and then make out with me on the dance floor.
i think the truth is we’re over. i just need to grow the balls to tell him. once and for all. because this isn’t fair to him. i’m just.. not quite ready to let go of him yet. he is my best friend. but the moment i tell him, i’m just going to be a stranger.
i think it’s hard to express just how appreciative i am of ks. she is one of the most intelligent, insightful, deep friends i have ever made, and i value her judgement more than anything. listening to her advice about s made me realize that she’s really just being a manipulative bitch who’s used to special treatment, and that there’s no reason 11 years later she should still be using that to her favor. i want to tell n that, but i don’t think i can. that’s just not who i am. i’m not brave enough to do something that might make him perceive me as callous or heartless, even though this is just going to hurt me.
i miss him. i need him. i want him.
but are we meant to be together? do we have anything in common other than sex?
i miss him so much. i wish so desperately she had never gotten off the waitlist, they had never decided to continue whatever they had, and she wasn’t here, making things so much more complicated. i’m jealous of their history, of their present, and knowing no matter what, they will have some form of a future together.
the truth is, i know she’s not a bad person and i distinctly remember at the beginning of the semester having a friend-crush on her. but her insecurities and jealousies coupled with my crush on her ex-but-not-really-because-they-still-sleep-together-even-though-that’s-just-asking-for-trouble plus she dislikes me simply because i’m good friends with him makes her extremely unappealing and unattractive. i dislike her almost more than i do cc. which is surprising but i guess i’m always easy to forgive in some ways. i know everyone in the reckoning hates cc but i’ve forgiven her already. they’ve also told me to stop being friends with jl but i even though she’s bitter and occasionally shallow and irritating, i doubt i’ll ever stop being friends with her.
fuck guys. i want him more than anything right now.
so i was at planned parenthood yesterday getting bc because i didn’t get enough when i was at the one in ny and surprise, i see jz. i was partially surprised because i didn’t expect to see someone there, especially not someone who’s supposedly super christian (as she claims), but also partially not, since she is dating someone.
she makes it SO awkward though and is all, “oh, is there a guy?” and because i’m dumb i’m like “eh.. sort of.” when i really could’ve just lied and been like “nah i’m on it to regulate my period and this is cheaper” or something. so then because it’s jz she goes “what’s his name?” and like hell i can tell her the truth, which is sort of n but also b to an extent and partially because i get easy as fuck when i’m drunk and there’s no telling what can happen from that. so i’m like “it’s a long story. i’ll tell you some other time.” clearly i don’t want to tell her.
but apparently that’s not quite enough because later that night she fb chats me talking about her depo shot. i tell her about how bc is more expensive here than it is in ny and how next time i’m there i’m getting like 5 packs and she makes this comment about how she is too but that’s totally assuming we’re going to “be doing stuff for a long time.” (because even though we’re adults and we’re having sex, we still can’t call it by it’s real name.) then she asks me what my guys name is. i give some like explanation about how i’ve only told a few people and i don’t want a lot of people to know about it, so i can’t really tell her and she goes “:( i want to hear about it though! :D” and just to get her off my back, i’m like “eventually”. her response: “good! i want to hear about it in person, too :P”
sorry i don’t give a shit if she wants to hear about it. it’s not even like we’re that good of friends. i talk to her sometimes and shit but i’ve never told her important or personal things about my life. so why is it that all of a sudden, because she saw me at planned parenthood, she has the right to know who i’m fucking? and why the fuck does she even care? it’s not like she’s going to know who he is.
it’s so frustrating that like even after i spell it out for her: i don’t want to tell people about it, she doesn’t understand. and that she basically expects to hear something personal.
god bitches be triflin.